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Every day is a pretense, every fucking moment, pretense to smile, pretense that what your friend says gets to you, pretense to care, pretense to be alive.
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Living – what should come off as an instinct, like breathing, like blinking, for you occurs as a sophisticated skill that has to be practiced daily, with crippling bouts of tiredness at each pretense to be alive. You’re held back by your own convictions that you are too different, too dysfunctional for this world. You have forgotten in order to forget the discomfort that comes with it and by forgetting yourself, you have also forgotten reality. It doesn’t exist without you observing it, without you feeling it. Reality is molded by feelings, made by feelings, born through its observers. You know what reality is? It doesn’t exist. Without this receptor, reality cannot and will never get to you. But to love and interact with reality, you sure need a well-defined self because it is the receptor through which you perceive reality. You merely exist as an awareness without identity, a selfless observer who consumes and lives off their characters and idealized selves.
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The only reason one can madly love fantasy, while remaining indifferent to reality, is because to love fantasy, you don’t need a self. As I explained in III part: overcoming addiction to fantasy does not mean finally learning to love reality – it means rediscovering that self you sent into exile.
#Have a nice life voids ii how to
If you know how to love fantasy, then you have the ability to love reality too because this war is not about fantasies and realities – it is about you and your ability to love. It came from depths of your subconscious that craves and knows how to feel love. You didn’t invent it, you didn’t fabricate it. That burning love some of you have for your dreamworlds, for your characters, “made up” love also had to come out from somewhere. If you are cold, it means you instinctively know the meaning of warmth, even if you have never felt it. But they are not gone, they still can be sensed faintly somewhere on the other side of consciousness. But these phenomena, they exist as latent possibilities somewhere deep within your mind, they exist as seeds that were left forgotten and never got to flower. It is the feelings you never got to express, words you never said, beliefs you never defended, traits you never nurtured enough. It is you to the very core of your being. It’s a game of hide and seek, where you are both hunter and the hunted – but you have forgotten where to search, you have forgotten where you hid yourself. If you’re in deep, fantasy is where all your feelings escaped to, it’s where you escaped to and metamorphosed into microcosms of intricate storylines and characters, so that your own emptiness cannot recognize you when it comes looking out for you. But still, you are trying to live your life the only way you know it and there is no need to feel guilty over a habit that is merely a manifestation of your insatiable instinct to survive. Is it maladaptive? Yes, sometimes terribly so. This is what the most substantial aspect of MD is, this is what MD itself is: your way of frantically holding onto that one reminder that you too can feel alive, in strange and deviant ways, but it’s still your most honest attempt to live. And there is nothing wrong with that, there is nothing wrong with protesting against the dullness of existing. What we call MD is not fundamentally wrong.īefore you decide that your levels of fucked up are so high or bizarre that they don’t fit any diagnostic criteria, remember that those cravings driving your MD, they are cravings for life. Yet, this is just one tiny aspect of your defense mechanism that happens to be serve one far more important purpose.
#Have a nice life voids ii cracked
You don’t need me to tell you that, sometimes, maybe even most of the times, it takes looking oneself in the mirror and realizing that, god, we really are cracked and some of our daydreams are indeed just that, silly distractions and compensations to feed our messed up ego and get us out of the mud because we are too scared to try and step out on our own. Is it? Was it really that cheap in the end? You’re alone, and your most ardent passion, your trump card, that one thing that dissipates meaninglessness and takes away the feeling of crippling loneliness is a lie, just a self-crafted lie to stifle your existential turmoil.
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Mechanisms driving fantasy addiction break down with recognition of absence, with poignant realization that your characters are not here, that they have never been here and never existed, that they were never yours. Wanders on and on invisibly and has nothing to do with my life.” “My real self wanders elsewhere, far away,